addict

There’s an Elephant in the house. And its the unspoken impact on children living with an addict parent.

Growing up with an addict in the family home is unquestionably traumatic. In these homes, children experience a daily environment of inconsistency, chaos, fear, abandonment, denial, and real or potential violence.

Did you know that children form their core values and beliefs from when they arrive into he world – to when they are around 7? These values that they form, will inform their life decisions.

Struggles of Children from Drug-Addicted Homes can include (and more):
*Guessing at what is normal. (Highlighted when entering school where they compare themselves to others to lean what ‘normal’ is)
* Difficulty having fun. (Fun times at home are often interrupted due to unpredictable behaviour – imagine having a negative association with fun)
*Judging themselves mercilessly. (It must be my fault type of thinking sets – if only I was a better child – my parent would love me)
* Difficulty with emotional relationships. (Inability to trust that they can share without an unpredictable response – leads to the inability to be intimate)
* Feeling “different” from other people. (The family is different, they translate that to them being different)
* Tendency to be impulsive. (They witness impulsive behaviour – they learn this through modelling of parental behaviour)
*Either super responsible or super irresponsible. (want in gto fix it all – or not caring about anything)
* Desperately seeking approval and affirmation. (neglected children are at greater risk of being abused due to their deep desire to feel loved. They are perfect prey for perpetrators who will take advantage of this vulnerability and groom them accordingly).
*Suffering from chronic anxiety. (Unpredictable environment breeds anxiety)
* Lacking self-discipline. (When the rules change around them – they have no idea what to follow – or follow through with resulting in lack of follow through to themselves)
* Suffering from an extreme lack of self-respect. (When a child is neglected – they feel unloved and that shows through lack of caring about themselves – they were never shown what care was to seriously care for themselves later in life)
* Fear and mistrust for authority figures. (Learnt by witnessing a parent respond to authority with disrespect- fearing the police as they associate them with taking a parent away)

If your partner is an addict – know only they can change their behaviour. You are responsible for the protection of your children.

Consider the following to help you conjurer the courage to make the change you know you need to for your children’s sake:

*What you tolerate from your loved one, in front of the kids – would you tolerate from a stranger?

*The impact of a strangers is soon forgotten. The repeated impact of trauma from the behaviour of a parent is life lasting.

*Do you take the brunt of the intolerable behaviour so that the children don’t have to?

Its your job as a responsible parent to protect your children from harm that you are aware of – and prevent harm should there be risk of it. This is a fact.

Save your children from the unnecessary trauma – and create a safe distance between them and the addicted parent. This doesn’t mean cutting them off – or out of your lives. It means changing and controlling what you can.

No one wakes up one day and decides to become a drug addict.

No one wakes up one day and decides to become a drug addict. Yet, it’s happening every day in neighbourhoods across the world. Here in Australia, I’ve seen Good kids from good families, all with hopes and dreams – become something they never thought was possible. None of them ever expected to find themselves in this situation but it happened. Ive seen adults seemingly who have got it all – loose it all. And really fast.

It is often mistakenly assumed that drug abusers lack moral principles or willpower and that they could stop using drugs simply by choosing to change their behavior. In reality, drug addiction is a complex disease, and quitting takes more than good intentions or a strong will. In fact, because drugs change the brain in ways that foster compulsive drug abuse, quitting is difficult, even for those who are ready to do so. Through scientific advances, we know more about how drugs work in the brain than ever, and we also know that drug addiction can be successfully treated to help people stop abusing drugs and lead productive lives.

Fortunately, treatments are available to help people counter addiction’s powerful disruptive effects. Research shows that combining addiction treatment medications with behavioural therapy is the best way to ensure success for most patients. Treatment approaches that are tailored to each patient’s drug abuse patterns and any co-occurring medical, psychiatric, and social problems can lead to sustained recovery and a life without drug abuse.

I’m a big believer in trying everything and anything – there is no one size fits all solution. One area that is not given enough credit for its amazing ability to assist in all areas of addiction is hypnosis. From easing withdrawal symptoms to overcoming shame and accessing self forgiveness – the powerful work that can be done using hypnotherapy is yet to be fully explored. I’m going to make that one of my missions in life. I’m a clinical hypnotherapist – and I’m seeing amazing results.

Similar to other chronic, relapsing diseases, such as diabetes, asthma, or heart disease, drug addiction can be managed successfully. And as with other chronic diseases, it is not uncommon for a person to relapse and begin abusing drugs again. Relapse, however, does not signal treatment failure—rather, it indicates that treatment should be reinstated or adjusted or that an alternative treatment is needed to help the individual regain control and recover.

Many trapped within addiction think they can beat it on their own yet even the best intentions are overcome by the deep dark hole that forms within as part of the addiction cycle. Many in long-term recovery have told me that there was nothing they wanted more than to stop the never ending downward spiral and insanity of drug abuse. They hated the person they had become and needed help. Recovery isn’t easy but it is possible. And family members and loved ones – you need you’re own recovery too.

If you are here because you or someone you love is in crisis…you need to know that you can succeed. And you need to do this…… Start with a couple of deep breaths and call someone. Get a load of your chest and start the process of moving from denial into truth. Its hard – oh hell its humiliating – Its worth it though.

In Australia you can call Family Drug Help (FDH). They provide a specialist service to support family members and friends who are concerned about a loved one’s alcohol and other drug use.

Phone 1300 660 068
24-hours, 7 days a week

Its important to connect with people who know what it’s like to love someone who’s misusing drugs or alcohol. Family Drug Helpline offers a confidential telephone service which provides support to family members in need. The helpline is staffed by trained volunteers (9am to 5pm Monday – Friday), ordinary people who are just like you: mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, partners, sons, daughters and friends. After hours service is staffed by professional counsellors.

Meanwhile – locally in the Region of Mooralbool – we are starting up another Family Support Group to run on Mondays during the day. So please connect, and be supported.

Remember – You Are Not Alone

The role of enabling: leads to an enablers own recovery.

Our stories are so similar, our names roles and coping abilities all depend on one thing. Ourselves.

Saving yourself through any impact of addiction is essential. The alternative is that enabling we have been chatting about recently.

I’ve been chatting to Ashlee lots lately. We meet incidentally on FB through her page Ice Diaries: beating the ICE epidemic together. We are both so excited to have found each other, and you can meet us soon at a new support group being established in Ballen. This support group will be the first of a few for our region – Ballarat/Ballen/Baccus-marsh, with plans to reach out to Werribbee soon. Follow us to keep in the loop.

Ashlee’s husband, Tom is 98 days drug free. He’s going from strength to strength and accessing all supports that suit him. If you or your partner are looking for support, look and try everything. Some people are fine with a home detox and then antidepressants, others respond well to counselling in a group setting or alone. Some love the successful 12 step programs internationally.

It matters not how you recover- it simply matters that you do.

Ashlee and Toms Story

Enabling …

I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years, we have 2 beautiful kids together. For almost 3 of these years he has been an ice addict. I grew up with a step sister and brother as heroin addicts and knew the warning signs.

I look back at my husbands addiction and see how badly I enabled him.

What everyone needs to understand is an addict will do anything for their fix and that includes manipulating everyone around them. I am a very caring emotional person and I trust to easily and my husband constantly emotionally blackmailed me and used the fact I trusted easily to get what he wanted. Any excuse they can make to get money for their habit they will make, playing on the heart strings saying they have no food, they have no where to live and so on.

My husband lied to me many times about being off the drugs, including manipulating drug tests for me to allow him to see our kids or to come back home. All we want is our loved ones to get off the drugs and be happy again but unfortunately way to many of us help them in their addiction. If they call and say they need something don’t play into their hands. They made the decisions they have made and have to deal with the consequences no matter how hard it is for us to witness.

If we keep saving them and helping them, they will never face reality and clean their act up. I was manipulated into taking my husband food, buying him things, giving him money, believing the lies he told me. When he was disapearing for days at a time and not coming home, I would hear the same 4 excuses over and over again, but yet I still fell for them everytime … why? Because deep inside we don’t want the truth to be our reality. The harsh reality is they are an addict, you can’t trust a word they say as all they care about is their drugs.

They are no longer our loved one, they are an addict and the sooner we come to terms with that the sooner we can actually help them instead of enabling them.

Don’t jump just because they say jump, they have to do it on their own. You can’t force an addict to get help, they need to make that decision themselves otherwise it is a waste of time.

I enabled my husband to continue his addiction, seeing the signs and ignoring them, taking him places he needed to go, buying him things he needed, allowing him to affect our children and I more and more everyday.

Falling for the “I love you and I promise I will do the right thing from now on.” They are just telling you what they know you want to hear, so they can “have their cake and eat it too”. Taking advantage of the love we have for them, manipulating every situation they can to benefit them. The harsh reality is we are helping them kill themselves and we need to stop.

We need to say “No” and respect ourselves enough not to be used like that. Enabling them basically gives them a free ticket to live a comfortable life as an addict. They need to hit their rock bottom, they need to have reality hit them in the face enough to make them want to change. If we keep making it easy for them, why would they want to change? We need to stand up for ourselves and not let them affect our lives anymore and as hard as it is we have to let go.

Let them go, tell them when they are ready to get professional help you are there but until then you can’t have them destroying your life. Making that decision to stop enabling them is hard and realizing you have played a part in keeping their addiction going is heartbreaking but if you want them to get better then you need to get tough and hope for the best. No more playing into their hand, demanding respect and honesty and making it clear you will not help them anymore until they agree to get professional help to get off the drugs. Otherwise they are only going to drag you right down with them into the hell that is addiction.

Written by Ashlee: wife, a mother, a lover, another person starting her own recovery.

Ashlee and Tom are writing a memoir and recording their journey to share and inspire others. I’m looking forward to reading it, and when it’s released, we’ll make certian you’re the first to know.

Tom you’re looking amazing, you’re doing amazing- cause you are amazing.