There’s an Elephant in the house. And its the unspoken impact on children living with an addict parent.

Growing up with an addict in the family home is unquestionably traumatic. In these homes, children experience a daily environment of inconsistency, chaos, fear, abandonment, denial, and real or potential violence.

Did you know that children form their core values and beliefs from when they arrive into he world – to when they are around 7? These values that they form, will inform their life decisions.

Struggles of Children from Drug-Addicted Homes can include (and more):
*Guessing at what is normal. (Highlighted when entering school where they compare themselves to others to lean what ‘normal’ is)
* Difficulty having fun. (Fun times at home are often interrupted due to unpredictable behaviour – imagine having a negative association with fun)
*Judging themselves mercilessly. (It must be my fault type of thinking sets – if only I was a better child – my parent would love me)
* Difficulty with emotional relationships. (Inability to trust that they can share without an unpredictable response – leads to the inability to be intimate)
* Feeling “different” from other people. (The family is different, they translate that to them being different)
* Tendency to be impulsive. (They witness impulsive behaviour – they learn this through modelling of parental behaviour)
*Either super responsible or super irresponsible. (want in gto fix it all – or not caring about anything)
* Desperately seeking approval and affirmation. (neglected children are at greater risk of being abused due to their deep desire to feel loved. They are perfect prey for perpetrators who will take advantage of this vulnerability and groom them accordingly).
*Suffering from chronic anxiety. (Unpredictable environment breeds anxiety)
* Lacking self-discipline. (When the rules change around them – they have no idea what to follow – or follow through with resulting in lack of follow through to themselves)
* Suffering from an extreme lack of self-respect. (When a child is neglected – they feel unloved and that shows through lack of caring about themselves – they were never shown what care was to seriously care for themselves later in life)
* Fear and mistrust for authority figures. (Learnt by witnessing a parent respond to authority with disrespect- fearing the police as they associate them with taking a parent away)

If your partner is an addict – know only they can change their behaviour. You are responsible for the protection of your children.

Consider the following to help you conjurer the courage to make the change you know you need to for your children’s sake:

*What you tolerate from your loved one, in front of the kids – would you tolerate from a stranger?

*The impact of a strangers is soon forgotten. The repeated impact of trauma from the behaviour of a parent is life lasting.

*Do you take the brunt of the intolerable behaviour so that the children don’t have to?

Its your job as a responsible parent to protect your children from harm that you are aware of – and prevent harm should there be risk of it. This is a fact.

Save your children from the unnecessary trauma – and create a safe distance between them and the addicted parent. This doesn’t mean cutting them off – or out of your lives. It means changing and controlling what you can.

No one wakes up one day and decides to become a drug addict.

No one wakes up one day and decides to become a drug addict. Yet, it’s happening every day in neighbourhoods across the world. Here in Australia, I’ve seen Good kids from good families, all with hopes and dreams – become something they never thought was possible. None of them ever expected to find themselves in this situation but it happened. Ive seen adults seemingly who have got it all – loose it all. And really fast.

It is often mistakenly assumed that drug abusers lack moral principles or willpower and that they could stop using drugs simply by choosing to change their behavior. In reality, drug addiction is a complex disease, and quitting takes more than good intentions or a strong will. In fact, because drugs change the brain in ways that foster compulsive drug abuse, quitting is difficult, even for those who are ready to do so. Through scientific advances, we know more about how drugs work in the brain than ever, and we also know that drug addiction can be successfully treated to help people stop abusing drugs and lead productive lives.

Fortunately, treatments are available to help people counter addiction’s powerful disruptive effects. Research shows that combining addiction treatment medications with behavioural therapy is the best way to ensure success for most patients. Treatment approaches that are tailored to each patient’s drug abuse patterns and any co-occurring medical, psychiatric, and social problems can lead to sustained recovery and a life without drug abuse.

I’m a big believer in trying everything and anything – there is no one size fits all solution. One area that is not given enough credit for its amazing ability to assist in all areas of addiction is hypnosis. From easing withdrawal symptoms to overcoming shame and accessing self forgiveness – the powerful work that can be done using hypnotherapy is yet to be fully explored. I’m going to make that one of my missions in life. I’m a clinical hypnotherapist – and I’m seeing amazing results.

Similar to other chronic, relapsing diseases, such as diabetes, asthma, or heart disease, drug addiction can be managed successfully. And as with other chronic diseases, it is not uncommon for a person to relapse and begin abusing drugs again. Relapse, however, does not signal treatment failure—rather, it indicates that treatment should be reinstated or adjusted or that an alternative treatment is needed to help the individual regain control and recover.

Many trapped within addiction think they can beat it on their own yet even the best intentions are overcome by the deep dark hole that forms within as part of the addiction cycle. Many in long-term recovery have told me that there was nothing they wanted more than to stop the never ending downward spiral and insanity of drug abuse. They hated the person they had become and needed help. Recovery isn’t easy but it is possible. And family members and loved ones – you need you’re own recovery too.

If you are here because you or someone you love is in crisis…you need to know that you can succeed. And you need to do this…… Start with a couple of deep breaths and call someone. Get a load of your chest and start the process of moving from denial into truth. Its hard – oh hell its humiliating – Its worth it though.

In Australia you can call Family Drug Help (FDH). They provide a specialist service to support family members and friends who are concerned about a loved one’s alcohol and other drug use.

Phone 1300 660 068
24-hours, 7 days a week

Its important to connect with people who know what it’s like to love someone who’s misusing drugs or alcohol. Family Drug Helpline offers a confidential telephone service which provides support to family members in need. The helpline is staffed by trained volunteers (9am to 5pm Monday – Friday), ordinary people who are just like you: mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, partners, sons, daughters and friends. After hours service is staffed by professional counsellors.

Meanwhile – locally in the Region of Mooralbool – we are starting up another Family Support Group to run on Mondays during the day. So please connect, and be supported.

Remember – You Are Not Alone

Helping v’s Enabling

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.  (AA saying)

Often well-meaning efforts to help someone with an addiction actually empowers them to continue their destructive behaviour by allowing them to avoid the consequences of their actions. This is called “enabling.”

It was pretty confronting to realise that some of my behaviour was potentially reinforcing my son’s addiction. And even tougher to stop some of the behaviours (get him dinner, buy him smokes, take him to appointments) – all which I was convinced were helping him. The only thing I really helped him with though, was his money for food/travel and the basics to live (phone credit etc) went straight onto to drugs – cause he knew I would pull through for him every-time – and he was right.

As a mum – its really tough seeing your son whom you cradled in your arms hungry and cold and struggling with a demon. I was really convinced by by showing him my compassion and support might help him see that there are people who want him making better choices and living a healthy fulfilling life. WRONG! It makes life easier for an addict with they ONLY have their addiction to manage, and yet that is a fulltime job. The planning, the scamming, the negotiating, and the creative ways they come up with solutions – to get the next fix. I can’t tell you how many times Ive though that addicts need a business (aside from a drug dealing business) to utilize their incredible skills. Many would succeed sooner and to a higher level than the average Jo Blow. Enough on that today though – today is on enabling.

By stepping in to “help” an addict’s problems, the enabler takes away any motivation for the addict to take responsibility for his or her own actions. Without that motivation, there is little reason for the addict to change. Enablers help addicts dig themselves deeper into trouble. The inevitable rock bottom is postponed and tragically the low can be worse than you ever imagined – or what you were fearing to prevent.

It can be a fine line between helping and enabling. Here are some questions to ask yourself when considering whether you are an enabler:

• Do you rationalize the addict’s irrational behavior?
• Do you make excuses for the addict?
• Do you loan money to the addict over and over again?
• Are you surprised when they use the money to get their next fix?
• Do you end up finishing projects that the addict never completed?
• Do you pay their bills?
• Have you bailed them out of jail?
• Have you paid their legal fees?
• Have you ever called in sick to school or work for them?
• Have you cleaned up their messes?
• Have you believed their lies?
• Do you blame yourself in part for the addict’s behavior?
• Have you lied for the addict?
• Have you covered up for them to avoid embarrassment?
• Do you think that you can fix the addict?
• Do you give them one more chance ˜ time after time?
• Do you threaten to leave but then never do?
• Do you threaten to kick the addict out but don’t follow through?

If these questions make you think you might be an enabler, it is important that you take action. If the addict you are enabling is in treatment, then you, too, should take part in the process. If the addict is not in treatment, you should explore your own issues. I discovered that I enabled my son due to fear of him no longer loving me. This fear eventuated out of a messy divorce where my son was kept away from me as a form of punishment. Once I faced the fear to myself – and acted firmly without hesitation the enabling ceased. I tell you – its still hard saying no – yet every-time I do, I know my son is forced to face a responsibility that he avoids – and that’s the responsibility of his own life.

It is important to remember that you did not cause the addiction nor can we “fix them”. We can, however, change the way we treat and react to the addiction.

Recognising enabling behaviour is fairly easy when you grasp the concept. The harder past is stopping enabling behaviour. Tomorrow we can look at ways to stop enabling.

Keep Clear and focused,

You are not alone.

Maggie.