Super Hero conquers cravings & urges like a boss: pass it on.

You wake up and it’s in your throat, your hands are clenched and your tummy has anxious butterflies (not tha happy excited ones). You feel like using ANYTHING now. Just so this desperation and crazy feeling of being ‘normal’ can go away. 

And what’s harder? 

Trying to tell someone who’s supporting you what’s really going on for you. 
If this is you – you’ve got to get your head around relapse prevention and fast. You’ve got to get your supports to learn that the urges are so powerful and that you are a super hero every time you beat a series of cravings and urges. 

So pass this on – and share it with your loved ones. You’re now taking a super hero team approach to tackling cravings/urges.

The great news is that urges/cravings generally last for the maximum of 30 mins. Then you’re clear from the most powerful part of that storm. 

Recognise that the Temptation is Short-Lived – The craving and urges generally lasts no longer than thirty minutes.

The key is to have a 30 minute extreme self care plan in place to action immediately. If you don’t give in to the feelings, they very likely will pass. 

Instead of agonising over the situation, and listening to your complaining voices in your head,  get yourself out of your head and if possible, active.

Preparing by  writing  yourself a list of things to do when your craving and urges are rampant.  Keep a few copies of the list in easy access for you, and give copies to your loved ones. 

List location ideas: car glove box, on fridge, photgraph it and have a copy in your phone, bathroom mirror. Make a affirmation board of your ideas using magazine cut outs and put it in the Loungroom. Be creative.

  

• Walk
• Colour in
• Garden (yes even at work or school or at the railways station) 
• Listen to strong emotional music 
• Vacuum
• Call someone
• Guided meditation
• Bath 
• Cooking a meal for others 

You will be best equipt for the managing your 30 minutes of extreme self care if you do the HALT check list first. I think the pic here tells you about HALT better than I could with words. If you want to talk more about HALT or a 30 minute extreme self care plan, you can email me. My email address is at the bottom of this blog entry. 

  
Your goals for creating a 30 minute extreme self care plan are: 

1. To be effective in actioning my 30 minutes of extreme self care.
2. To successfully Reduce amd eliminate any sabotaging craving & urges.
3. Being accurate in identifying my needs. 
4. A way for me to  Practise self care as my priorty.  

Before you know it, you won’t feel like you want to use.

Know Your TriggersWhat are the specific things or times of day where the craving to using is more than other times of the day?

  

If you know what your triggers are, you can learn to idenfify them and manage the 30 minutes with confidence. You can do this like a boss! 

So,  til next time~ May peace and calm be your constant. 

Maggie 
maggie@justice-youarenotalone.com

http://www.justice-youarenotalone.com

The problem with acceptance. I am a drug addict.

Do you know that many rehab approaches are outdated? Check the history of the approaches for yourself.

12 step programs were designed in 1935- lots had been discovered about the human condition since then. Yet they are the most commonly used framework for recovery. 

Do you know that many rehab approaches, unknowingly, can keep you from reaching your goal of being drug free? 

Let’s look at one of the most popular and well known statements people are encouraged to accept and take on at a deep personal level when entering a rehab program. 

I am a drug addict. 

Any statement you make to yourself – tells you, what you are. 

I am– are the two most powerful words that influence us from the unconscious, subconscious and conscious levels. 

I am a drug addict: may at the surface seem to be a deep meaningful self acknowledgment and acceptance of what a person has become. However by continually repeating it- over and over again – to themselves and within meetings as an opening – I fear they may indeed be holding themselves into the pattern of being a drug addict. 

  
Now before you throw your arms up in dismay – hear me out. 

‘I am’ – is the most powerful tool you can use to define and heal yourself. 

Check out Dr Wayne Dyer’s work. He’s a cutting edge scientist along with others (Dr Bruce Lipton, Dr Deepak Chopra that I’ve studied relentlessly in the persuit to create a recovery model that is effortless and effective) on the frontline of change and evolution.  He tells us that anything we tell ourselves will be so. 

So, by saying (and encouraged as an affirmation)  as part of the path of acceptance ‘I am a drug addict‘- you are telling yourself what you actually no longer want to be – I am a drug addict.

By engaging in this statement ‘I am a drug addict’ one is encouraged to embrace and integrate into their recovery path, and personality – that they are still in fact a Drug addict. This is false. It’s an unintentional false message being programmed deeply into the unconscious mind and is the exact opposite to what the desired outcome generally is for anyone in a recovery program. 

  
 I’ve wittnessed many people to continue to struggle with addiction much longer than is necessary while totally commited to recovery. And whilst change may come- the change is often fraut with difficulties , false identification, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. 

In my opinion (based on much research using Dr Bruce Liptons – Biology of Belief) the stuckness many continue to experience daily may simply be due to the fact that you are telling every single one of your 50 trillion cells that you are a drug addict on a regular basis. 

Backed by Dr Wayne Dyers powerful revelation through the I Am discovery, recovery from addiction can be effortless, joyful, satisfying and permanent- right through to the cellular level. Put in Dr Deepak Chopra’s work – and you will finally understand – you are your own healer.

There is new science that proves what I’m  putting forward for consideration. Update your knowledge, reflect on what you are currently applying and see what the backbone of its evidence is. Is it based on new science? If it’s not- start exploring for yourself and you’ll soon see what I see. Outdated models that require urgent review. 

I know you’ll be amazed, blown away and start asking questions like – where’s the rehab that has unconscious programming at the forefront of its approach? 

It is proven that you become what you say you are.  So maybe it’s time for the recovery world to step up into the 21st century and allow healing to be online with what’s current/ not just what’s comfortably known. 

And it’s time for governments and universities to upskill our professionals – before it’s too late.

Maggie 

Loving a person addicted to Ice is tough. A brief look at the reality.

My son is addicted to Ice. I love my son and struggle daily with the reality of the way his behaviour and person has changed over time. 

If you’re reading this – you probably are also impacted in someway by the Ice epidemic that is rampant world wide. You are not alone.

  
Today I thought I’d share with you some of the things that I’ve had to face and then accept towards creating a better place for me to support him.

Your loved one is unable to love you; they are in love with the way Ice makes them feel, and they fall victim to the false high – believing it’s their only way to be the best person they can be. 

Whilst the person is cycling through their own pattern of addiction- they loose sight of what they have with you, and rely on the notion that you will continue to love and support them throughout regardless. Sadly, this is at the cost of fundamentals that hold a relationship as healthy, positive and fulfilling for each person. Lies, betrayals, manipulations start to become the foundation of the relationship where once truth, respect and mutual regard once was.

No relationship can thrive – let alone survive on a foundation has been poisoned. 

They will use you for your money and scam you into ways of getting money from you.

The creative means for manipulation are really quite impressive. Sadly and tragically it’s driven by the need of the addiction- to keep the supply of Ice readily available to them. It’s their priorty, and it’s an urge that compels them to say and do things that they never thought possible. Believe me- no one I’ve ever spoken, to in the long time (20 years) that I’ve been working with addiction, wakes up one day and says – today I’m going to become an Ice Addict. 

Anytime you hand over money – no matter what it’s for, only contributes to making their lifestyle more comfortable. Whilst you have all intentions of being helpful, be weary that you might only be contributing to supporting the addiction. 

They will most likely quit their jobs/school and have very bad relationships with their families/friends because their addiction is more important.

Being addicted to Ice- or any substance is a full time job. There is no spare time to commit to nurturing relationships, follow dreams of a career and there is no logic often left to set these as priorities. It’s nothing personal against you, you’ll notice that friends and family who reject the behaviour of the Ice addicted person are often spoken of poorly by the Ice user. It’s the person you love is upset with you- it’s probably because you are doing things that interrupt or threaten their love affair with Ice. 

You are constantly worried about their safety and pray for them to live through the night.

And for good reason. We all see the crazy tragic stories on the news regularly where people are murdered in an Ice frenzy, where drug deals go wrong and people are killed for $20, where drivers so ice effected are involved in traumatic accidents due to being drig effected. Never think your loved one is immune to having any one of these scenarios happening to them. It can happen and does happen. 

No one will understand that after a while, when loving an Ice addict, you develop an addiction yourself. Not to the drugs themselves but to the person. This doesn’t happen because you love them, this happens because you are so invested into trying to fix their life. And the tragedy is that they can only fix themselves.

  
Loving an Ice addicted person is something I would never wish upon anyone.

Maggie 

http://www.justice-youarenotalone.com

There’s an Elephant in the house. And its the unspoken impact on children living with an addict parent.

Growing up with an addict in the family home is unquestionably traumatic. In these homes, children experience a daily environment of inconsistency, chaos, fear, abandonment, denial, and real or potential violence.

Did you know that children form their core values and beliefs from when they arrive into he world – to when they are around 7? These values that they form, will inform their life decisions.

Struggles of Children from Drug-Addicted Homes can include (and more):
*Guessing at what is normal. (Highlighted when entering school where they compare themselves to others to lean what ‘normal’ is)
* Difficulty having fun. (Fun times at home are often interrupted due to unpredictable behaviour – imagine having a negative association with fun)
*Judging themselves mercilessly. (It must be my fault type of thinking sets – if only I was a better child – my parent would love me)
* Difficulty with emotional relationships. (Inability to trust that they can share without an unpredictable response – leads to the inability to be intimate)
* Feeling “different” from other people. (The family is different, they translate that to them being different)
* Tendency to be impulsive. (They witness impulsive behaviour – they learn this through modelling of parental behaviour)
*Either super responsible or super irresponsible. (want in gto fix it all – or not caring about anything)
* Desperately seeking approval and affirmation. (neglected children are at greater risk of being abused due to their deep desire to feel loved. They are perfect prey for perpetrators who will take advantage of this vulnerability and groom them accordingly).
*Suffering from chronic anxiety. (Unpredictable environment breeds anxiety)
* Lacking self-discipline. (When the rules change around them – they have no idea what to follow – or follow through with resulting in lack of follow through to themselves)
* Suffering from an extreme lack of self-respect. (When a child is neglected – they feel unloved and that shows through lack of caring about themselves – they were never shown what care was to seriously care for themselves later in life)
* Fear and mistrust for authority figures. (Learnt by witnessing a parent respond to authority with disrespect- fearing the police as they associate them with taking a parent away)

If your partner is an addict – know only they can change their behaviour. You are responsible for the protection of your children.

Consider the following to help you conjurer the courage to make the change you know you need to for your children’s sake:

*What you tolerate from your loved one, in front of the kids – would you tolerate from a stranger?

*The impact of a strangers is soon forgotten. The repeated impact of trauma from the behaviour of a parent is life lasting.

*Do you take the brunt of the intolerable behaviour so that the children don’t have to?

Its your job as a responsible parent to protect your children from harm that you are aware of – and prevent harm should there be risk of it. This is a fact.

Save your children from the unnecessary trauma – and create a safe distance between them and the addicted parent. This doesn’t mean cutting them off – or out of your lives. It means changing and controlling what you can.

Admission of powerlessness over addiction

Family members stand on the front lines when addiction hits home. They often find their lives taken over by addiction — and the madness that comes in its wake. I know I was. I became angry and frustrated about my sons predicament and my own inability to help resolve the problem.

I know families where the years pass and they found that their strategy of rushing in to help the addict out of one predicament after another has left the family exhausted, depressed, and at the end of its rope. Meanwhile, the addict remains deep as ever in his addiction.

When there is addiction in the family, no one escapes unscathed.

The good news is that family members can recover and enjoy life, regardless of whether the addict finds recovery. My dear friend Ashlee and I found strength in focusing upon our own journey of healing and recovery – even though it shits us to tears – that the addiction of another has resulted in us having to confront ourselves and our roles with keeping an addiction we wanted desperately gone, alive. You see its called co-dependence or enabling. We now run a support group to support others to support themselves.

It’s up to you as a family member or a loved one of an addict to get better or to continue down a path guaranteed to cause more you more pain and frustration. It is about making choices and taking responsibility for these choices.

Ultimately the choice for each person impacted by the addiction — including the addict — is whether to accept powerlessness over the disease of addiction or to continue the futile battle toward a bitter end.

There is a very curious and counter-intuitive dynamic at play in households ruled by addiction. Namely, the more a family denies their powerlessness to control the addict’s drug use, the worse that drug use is likely to become. When the family is out of touch with the basic reality of addiction, they obsess in trying to fix the addict time and again despite repeated failures. Ironically it is this very fantasy – the denial of their family predicament — that enables the addict to continue even further into his addiction and thus make everyone in the family more miserable. Its very confronting and heartbreaking to realise that the ‘normal’ support we offer those in trouble is ineffective in addiction – in fact possibly more damaging – its horrifying to realise that tough love is a very real concept – and the reason its called tough love is because its tough – on everyone.

Its a lot to take in – its confronting and life changing. It feels unfair and unjust. We run our own crazy cycle – and until we stop – recovery will always be in sight, however just out of reach.

Ashlee and I talk everyday – we gain strength from each other. We are each others cheer leaders. We aren’t alone – and neither are you.

Surrendering to the hopelessness and helplessness of the situation has been interpreted by Ashlees husband as ‘giving up on him’ at times. And my son has accused me of rejecting and abandoning him. We remind ourselves these are words of addiction speaking, cause the less we do – the more they are forced to take responsibility for themselves, And that’s the ONLY way recovery is successful.

You Are Not alone.

Warning signs of relapse – having a think about our thinking

When people fall back into addictive patterns, there is often a series of warning signs that precede their behaviour. 

Today’s blog draws on examples of mental health and addiction to show the sneaky way we can trick ourselves and others into walking the fine line or our own truth and the lies we can tell ourselves to create an opportunity to relapse. THIS IS NORMAL and to be expected. 

Whilst our blogs focus is fundamentally on Crystal Meth- addiction comes in many forms and thus this list of clues is useful for any addiction. 

So, here it is- a list of common thinking errors and behaviours that may indicate concern:

Rationalising high-risk situations:

· Addiction: “I know that taking this route home means passing by a bar, but it’s so much faster.”

· Mental health: “These medications help me, but missing a day or two isn’t a big deal.”

· Sex addiction: “I know that texting my ex girlfriends isn’t healthy, but I’m really lonely.”

  
Minimising a return to problematic situations:

· Addiction: “It’s not like I’m using crack cocaine anymore. I’m just smoking pot.”

· Mental health: “That job was a big reason why I relapsed into depression, but I’ve had some time off so it should be different now.”

· Sex addiction: “It’s not like I’m hiring escorts anymore. I’m just looking at online pornography.”

External locus of control

  

· Addiction: “I feel like life just sort of happens and I can’t control whether I’m sober. I’ll just see what happens.”

· Mental health: “My Bipolar just happens to me. There’s nothing I can do about it.”  
· Sex addiction: “When I see an attractive woman, there’s nothing I can do: I have to talk to her.”

Over-commitment

· Addiction: “I’m exhausted, but I need to keep myself busy at all times so I don’t use.”

· Mental health: “Now that I’m feeling better, I need to tackle everything I’ve neglected when I was depressed.”

· Sex addiction: “I’m tired because I spent the entire weekend at my wife’s home doing yard work to prove that I love her.”  

Avoiding or devaluing feedback:

· Addiction: “That addiction counsellor looks like she’s had her head in the books her whole life. How could she understand me?”  

 Mental health: “My doctor tells me that I’m hearing voices, but he really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
· Sex addiction: “I’m not going to listen to some guy who has molested children tell me about how to live my life.”
Overconfidence

Addiction: “I haven’t gambled for four months, so maybe I don’t have a problem with this anymore.”
Mental health: “I feel better, so I probably don’t need to take my medications anymore.”

Sex addiction: “I think that my overindulgence in pornography was just a phase. I think I can start looking at it again.”

Not following useful direction from others:

· Addiction: “I haven’t used cocaine in a few months now. I don’t think I need to delete my dealer’s number on my phone.”
· Mental health: “My psychologist tells me to practice meditation for 10 minutes a day, but I doubt whether it will make any difference.”

· Sex addiction: “My sponsor told me to take the internet off of my phone, but I think that I’m fine.”

Comparing yourself to others:

· Addiction: “All of my friends can go out and have a drink. Why should I deprive myself?”

· Mental health: “My friends seem to handle more stress than I can, so I must be weak or something.”

· Sex addiction: “There are lots of people who have ‘friends with benefits.’ If we both agree, what’s the problem?”

Isolation:

· Addiction: “I’m going to skip my group this week and just stay home.”

· Mental health: “I know I should call my friend back, but it’s so much easier just to stay in bed.”

· Sex addiction: “People are worried that I didn’t come to group this week, but I’m not going to bother contacting them.”

Using recovery terminology to excuse behaviours:

· Addiction: “I had a slip – so what? Making mistakes is a part of recovery.”

· Mental health: “I have generalized anxiety, so I’m not able to be in crowds.”

· Sex addiction: “It’s not my fault that I cheated on my wife – I am a trauma survivor.”

Ignoring agreed-upon guidelines:

· Addiction: “I decided to have all of my beer at once instead of spreading it out over the week.”

· Mental health: “I don’t feel like taking my medications.”

· Sex addiction: “This relapse prevention plan doesn’t make sense when I travel, so I will only use it at home.”  
Entitlement:
· Addiction: “I had a tough day today, so I deserve a reward.”
· Mental health: “I’ve had it with the world. It’s my time to be by myself for a while.”

· Sex addiction: “I feel smothered by my wife, so I need escorts because they give me what I want without any questions.”

Blaming others:

· Addiction: “If my partner/friend/family member didn’t work so much, I wouldn’t be so bored and end up using.”

· Mental health: “My partner/boss/friend/family member is really the cause of my anxiety issues.”

· Sex addiction: “Sex is everywhere in society. It’s impossible to not think about sex all the time when it’s thrown in front of you.”

If you can monitor your thoughts – you will be in a greater position to control your actions.

And remember 

You Are Not Alone 

No one wakes up one day and decides to become a drug addict.

No one wakes up one day and decides to become a drug addict. Yet, it’s happening every day in neighbourhoods across the world. Here in Australia, I’ve seen Good kids from good families, all with hopes and dreams – become something they never thought was possible. None of them ever expected to find themselves in this situation but it happened. Ive seen adults seemingly who have got it all – loose it all. And really fast.

It is often mistakenly assumed that drug abusers lack moral principles or willpower and that they could stop using drugs simply by choosing to change their behavior. In reality, drug addiction is a complex disease, and quitting takes more than good intentions or a strong will. In fact, because drugs change the brain in ways that foster compulsive drug abuse, quitting is difficult, even for those who are ready to do so. Through scientific advances, we know more about how drugs work in the brain than ever, and we also know that drug addiction can be successfully treated to help people stop abusing drugs and lead productive lives.

Fortunately, treatments are available to help people counter addiction’s powerful disruptive effects. Research shows that combining addiction treatment medications with behavioural therapy is the best way to ensure success for most patients. Treatment approaches that are tailored to each patient’s drug abuse patterns and any co-occurring medical, psychiatric, and social problems can lead to sustained recovery and a life without drug abuse.

I’m a big believer in trying everything and anything – there is no one size fits all solution. One area that is not given enough credit for its amazing ability to assist in all areas of addiction is hypnosis. From easing withdrawal symptoms to overcoming shame and accessing self forgiveness – the powerful work that can be done using hypnotherapy is yet to be fully explored. I’m going to make that one of my missions in life. I’m a clinical hypnotherapist – and I’m seeing amazing results.

Similar to other chronic, relapsing diseases, such as diabetes, asthma, or heart disease, drug addiction can be managed successfully. And as with other chronic diseases, it is not uncommon for a person to relapse and begin abusing drugs again. Relapse, however, does not signal treatment failure—rather, it indicates that treatment should be reinstated or adjusted or that an alternative treatment is needed to help the individual regain control and recover.

Many trapped within addiction think they can beat it on their own yet even the best intentions are overcome by the deep dark hole that forms within as part of the addiction cycle. Many in long-term recovery have told me that there was nothing they wanted more than to stop the never ending downward spiral and insanity of drug abuse. They hated the person they had become and needed help. Recovery isn’t easy but it is possible. And family members and loved ones – you need you’re own recovery too.

If you are here because you or someone you love is in crisis…you need to know that you can succeed. And you need to do this…… Start with a couple of deep breaths and call someone. Get a load of your chest and start the process of moving from denial into truth. Its hard – oh hell its humiliating – Its worth it though.

In Australia you can call Family Drug Help (FDH). They provide a specialist service to support family members and friends who are concerned about a loved one’s alcohol and other drug use.

Phone 1300 660 068
24-hours, 7 days a week

Its important to connect with people who know what it’s like to love someone who’s misusing drugs or alcohol. Family Drug Helpline offers a confidential telephone service which provides support to family members in need. The helpline is staffed by trained volunteers (9am to 5pm Monday – Friday), ordinary people who are just like you: mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, partners, sons, daughters and friends. After hours service is staffed by professional counsellors.

Meanwhile – locally in the Region of Mooralbool – we are starting up another Family Support Group to run on Mondays during the day. So please connect, and be supported.

Remember – You Are Not Alone

A Letter of Regret From Your Anxious and Depressed Friend

The role of enabling: leads to an enablers own recovery.

Our stories are so similar, our names roles and coping abilities all depend on one thing. Ourselves.

  

Saving yourself through any impact of addiction is essential. The alternative is that enabling we have been chatting about recently.

I’ve been chatting to Ashlee lots lately. We meet incidentally  on  FB through her page  Ice Diaries: beating the ICE epidemic together. We are both so excited to have found each other, and you can meet us soon at a new support group being established in Ballen. This support group will be the first of a few for our region – Ballarat/Ballen/Baccus-marsh, with plans to reach out to Werribbee soon. Follow us to keep in the loop. 

Ashlee’s husband, Tom is 98 days drug free. He’s going from strength to strength and accessing all supports that suit him. If you or your partner are looking for support, look and try everything. Some people are fine with a home detox and then antidepressants, others respond well to counselling in a group setting or alone. Some love the successful 12 step programs internationally.

 It matters not how you recover- it simply matters that you do.

  

Ashlee and Toms Story

Enabling …

I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years, we have 2 beautiful kids together. For almost 3 of these years he has been an ice addict. I grew up with a step sister and brother as heroin addicts and knew the warning signs.

I look back at my husbands addiction and see how badly I enabled him. 

What everyone needs to understand is an addict will do anything for their fix and that includes manipulating everyone around them. I am a very caring emotional person and I trust to easily and my husband constantly emotionally blackmailed me and used the fact I trusted easily to get what he wanted. Any excuse they can make to get money for their habit they will make, playing on the heart strings saying they have no food, they have no where to live and so on.

My husband lied to me many times about being off the drugs, including manipulating drug tests for me to allow him to see our kids or to come back home. All we want is our loved ones to get off the drugs and be happy again but unfortunately way to many of us help them in their addiction. If they call and say they need something don’t play into their hands. They made the decisions they have made and have to deal with the consequences no matter how hard it is for us to witness. 

If we keep saving them and helping them, they will never face reality and clean their act up. I was manipulated into taking my husband food, buying him things, giving him money, believing the lies he told me. When he was disapearing for days at a time and not coming home, I would hear the same 4 excuses over and over again, but yet I still fell for them everytime … why? Because deep inside we don’t want the truth to be our reality. The harsh reality is they are an addict, you can’t trust a word they say as all they care about is their drugs.

They are no longer our loved one, they are an addict and the sooner we come to terms with that the sooner we can actually help them instead of enabling them. 

Don’t jump just because they say jump, they have to do it on their own. You can’t force an addict to get help, they need to make that decision themselves otherwise it is a waste of time. 

I enabled my husband to continue his addiction, seeing the signs and ignoring them, taking him places he needed to go, buying him things he needed, allowing him to affect our children and I more and more everyday. 

Falling for the “I love you and I promise I will do the right thing from now on.” They are just telling you what they know you want to hear, so they can “have their cake and eat it too”. Taking advantage of the love we have for them, manipulating every situation they can to benefit them. The harsh reality is we are helping them kill themselves and we need to stop. 

We need to say “No” and respect ourselves enough not to be used like that. Enabling them basically gives them a free ticket to live a comfortable life as an addict. They need to hit their rock bottom, they need to have reality hit them in the face enough to make them want to change. If we keep making it easy for them, why would they want to change? We need to stand up for ourselves and not let them affect our lives anymore and as hard as it is we have to let go.

 Let them go, tell them when they are ready to get professional help you are there but until then you can’t have them destroying your life. Making that decision to stop enabling them is hard and realizing you have played a part in keeping their addiction going is heartbreaking but if you want them to get better then you need to get tough and hope for the best. No more playing into their hand, demanding respect and honesty and making it clear you will not help them anymore until they agree to get professional help to get off the drugs. Otherwise they are only going to drag you right down with them into the hell that is addiction.

Written by Ashlee: wife, a mother, a lover, another person starting her own recovery.

Ashlee and Tom are writing a memoir and recording their journey to share and inspire others. I’m looking forward to reading it, and when it’s released, we’ll make certian you’re the first to know. 

  
Tom you’re looking amazing, you’re doing amazing- cause you are amazing.

I’d like to help share your story to inspire others, to stand strong together. Email me and let’s share 🙂

In peace, and remember, 

You Are Not Alone 

Maggie 

Helping v’s Enabling

Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves.

Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.  (AA saying)

Often well-meaning efforts to help someone with an addiction actually empowers them to continue their destructive behaviour by allowing them to avoid the consequences of their actions. This is called “enabling.”

It was pretty confronting to realise that some of my behaviour was potentially reinforcing my son’s addiction. And even tougher to stop some of the behaviours (get him dinner, buy him smokes, take him to appointments) – all which I was convinced were helping him. The only thing I really helped him with though, was his money for food/travel and the basics to live (phone credit etc) went straight onto to drugs – cause he knew I would pull through for him every-time – and he was right.

As a mum – its really tough seeing your son whom you cradled in your arms hungry and cold and struggling with a demon. I was really convinced by by showing him my compassion and support might help him see that there are people who want him making better choices and living a healthy fulfilling life. WRONG! It makes life easier for an addict with they ONLY have their addiction to manage, and yet that is a fulltime job. The planning, the scamming, the negotiating, and the creative ways they come up with solutions – to get the next fix. I can’t tell you how many times Ive though that addicts need a business (aside from a drug dealing business) to utilize their incredible skills. Many would succeed sooner and to a higher level than the average Jo Blow. Enough on that today though – today is on enabling.

By stepping in to “help” an addict’s problems, the enabler takes away any motivation for the addict to take responsibility for his or her own actions. Without that motivation, there is little reason for the addict to change. Enablers help addicts dig themselves deeper into trouble. The inevitable rock bottom is postponed and tragically the low can be worse than you ever imagined – or what you were fearing to prevent.

It can be a fine line between helping and enabling. Here are some questions to ask yourself when considering whether you are an enabler:

• Do you rationalize the addict’s irrational behavior?
• Do you make excuses for the addict?
• Do you loan money to the addict over and over again?
• Are you surprised when they use the money to get their next fix?
• Do you end up finishing projects that the addict never completed?
• Do you pay their bills?
• Have you bailed them out of jail?
• Have you paid their legal fees?
• Have you ever called in sick to school or work for them?
• Have you cleaned up their messes?
• Have you believed their lies?
• Do you blame yourself in part for the addict’s behavior?
• Have you lied for the addict?
• Have you covered up for them to avoid embarrassment?
• Do you think that you can fix the addict?
• Do you give them one more chance ˜ time after time?
• Do you threaten to leave but then never do?
• Do you threaten to kick the addict out but don’t follow through?

If these questions make you think you might be an enabler, it is important that you take action. If the addict you are enabling is in treatment, then you, too, should take part in the process. If the addict is not in treatment, you should explore your own issues. I discovered that I enabled my son due to fear of him no longer loving me. This fear eventuated out of a messy divorce where my son was kept away from me as a form of punishment. Once I faced the fear to myself – and acted firmly without hesitation the enabling ceased. I tell you – its still hard saying no – yet every-time I do, I know my son is forced to face a responsibility that he avoids – and that’s the responsibility of his own life.

It is important to remember that you did not cause the addiction nor can we “fix them”. We can, however, change the way we treat and react to the addiction.

Recognising enabling behaviour is fairly easy when you grasp the concept. The harder past is stopping enabling behaviour. Tomorrow we can look at ways to stop enabling.

Keep Clear and focused,

You are not alone.

Maggie.